*pulls out soapbox*

[belgatherial]

There was an incident recently at the University at which I sort of kind of work occasionally at the moment. A prominent member of the student council groped the breast of a lass at a party. It seems that he has a long history of being a big ol' assmonkey when it comes to this sort of thing, but I've never met the guy or the girl in question. I don't actually even want to talk about this incident, exactly, so much as the swathe of comments on various blogs that I encountered.

Yes, I know, don't read the comments. But the sad thing is that this is so frikkin' prevalent STILL in a liberal society amongst the people who are meant to be our smart young things.

So, since it is apparently NOT obvious to everyone everywhere, allow me to help you young men out.

Groping a girl's breast, all uninvited, is NOT a sign of admiration. She will not find herself thinking "Gosh! What a stud! I simply must drag him off to the nearest corner and snog his little brains out". If you think this is an acceptable form of courtship, I strongly suggest you take a survey of the women you know. If, in fact, you know any. Because I guarantee most, if not all, will agree with me.

So to the lad who said, and I quote: "If it was just one grope on the breast and you go to Court for that... Holy shit, I need to be more careful when I'm hitting the clubs."

Yes, yes you do. You may think it's 'funny' or a 'joke' or just 'playing' to sexually assault people in clubs, but believe me it's not. My foot would like to share this fact with your scrotum, but fortunately, I have spent long hours getting over my urges to damage stupid people. So instead, let me share my ancient 31 year old wisdom, young man. NO. It is NOT ok. Nor is it cute, or affectionate, or endearing, and it is certainly not ever, never never not even a little bit attractive. Got it? It's disrespectful, it's putting your right to "fun" over a woman's right to feeling SAFE. And if THAT'S how you feel, then you are seriously on the wrong end of Schrödinger’s Rapist, and really, in my opinion, should never ever be allowed to talk to a woman you don't know again. Ever.

Too strong? Oh well.

Here's a hint, boys. If you actually genuinely want to get laid, you need to make sure you're NOT giving off "I don't give a shit about your bodily autonomy" vibes. Cos while YOU may think you're not a rapist, or possibly even KNOW you would never EVER do such a thing, the moment you do anything that says to a woman "I don't give a shit about your bodily autonomy", a lot of women are getting the message "and I'd rape you if I thought I could get away with it". And since we know that, in fact, people get away with it ALL THE TIME, that makes you a danger. What it does NOT do, is make you APPEALING, or SEXY, or CLEVER, or ATTRACTIVE in any way. I promise.

I am not going to post a link to the blog in question, or to any stories about this particular incident. If you're that interested you can probably find it with your friend Google. Because this isn't really about THIS incident, it's about the entire culture of a society where this guy wasn't immediately and without question DAMNED for this. "Oh, it's only a little groping, get over it" is a sad sad indictment on how far we still have to go. If you find it though, you can play rape culture bingo. Because the comments have it all.

But I've had enough now. Boys, if you need to be told that groping is not courtship, nor is it fun for ladies, nor does it make you seem manly and attractive, then you have problems. Should I run workshops? Maybe I should. "How to talk to a woman instead of fondling her." Or how about "How to make yourself attractive to ladies withOUT sexually assaulting them".

*sigh* I'm out of snark. Have a nice day, everyone.

Comments

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

*claps and cheers loudly*

[belgatherial.livejournal.com]

*bows*

[lenfant-de-jeu.livejournal.com]

I don't think women make enough fuss about this - if more of us made "SEXUAL ASSAULT!!! BATTERY!! claims when guys pull this crap - then they wouldn't be in a culture where the loudest voices they hear are the ones saying "it was only some harmless fun"...

harmless?! I know that we, in this corner can see the complete stupidity in that - but they can't. They honestly can't.

It's going to take a generation or two or three of re-education, of women being LOUD and STRONG about this. It won't be easy because it's sooo much easier to blame the woman. We've been doing it for HUNDREDS of years - try wiping out that cultural undertone in a hurry...

Women also need to reword the situation - not "WOMAN IS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED" but "MAN COMMITS SEXUAL ASSAULT" - make it the MANS problem.

But if all else fails, as I said to you before... I"ll happily join you for "My foot would like to share this fact with your scrotum" - and by my foot - I mean a steel capped toed boot with pointy studs laced with lemon juice.

I will never quite know that fear my other girlfriends had - their small 50kg frames, being groped and fondled when trying to get a drink at a bar, by having guys use their size and strength to block their way - funny how when I got anywhere near them the guys lost their bravado... but if only one of my friends hadn't tried to pacify her way out of it and instead called them on it... would that have made a difference?

[belgatherial.livejournal.com]

You know, I don't know that it has that much to do with size. I'm fairly little. I guess I'm tall, but still. When I was 19 or so and in that university life, I didn't even have hips.

And yet I didn't get hassled much, and still don't. I'm not sure what it is.

There was a guy once who told me that I made him "feel like a tiger in heat", but I took the wind out of his sails when I informed him that that would make him a FEMALE tiger. *shrug*

But yes, I think we do need to call people out when they do this stuff. Or even talk about it in that "boys will be boys" "it's just a bit of fun" way.

[dreamchaser.livejournal.com]

*standing ovation*

[belgatherial.livejournal.com]

*bows*

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

I love you so damn much.

I do know the attacker in this case, and he has done nothing but be a total asshole about this whole thing, trying to minimise it and generally ticking all the ticky-boxes for "it wasn't rape rape so get over it".

I hope he is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

[belgatherial.livejournal.com]

Why thank you.

He did sound like an assmonkey in the stuff I read. But he is also the product of a society that implicitly thinks this behaviour is ok.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

The thing is- SO many guys don't actually WANT to do things that would actually make them attractive to women.

We can explain it till the cows come home- and they'll draw a blank.

My personal theory is that they REQUIRE that women find them attractive on THEIR terms- which are usually stupid; doing things that, y'know, women might LIKE seems to them to be GIVING IN, with the horrible umbra of PUSSYWHIPPED rearing over their heads.

And- it's been my experience that most men would rather die virgins- or be rapists- than risk being PUSSYWHIPPED- which means, in essence, doing things women like in an attempt to endear themselves to women. TEH HORROR!

Well, if they all died virgins I'd be fine with that. The problem is that many go the other route.

[belgatherial.livejournal.com]

*nod* I agree. What I was doing here was trying to be all satirical about the STATED intent. Not sure I pulled it off. ;)

I agree though that is has nothing to do with trying to be attractive. It's about power and possession and an attempt at ownership. Like they're entitled to women's bodies.